What Went Wrong?

Okay, let's be honest. Just how often I should post is a bit perplexing - not bad, just perplexing! Obviously I could do something every day, and maybe some would like that. I write in my journal most every day - or should when I don't! - but while that is good for me, it may be a bit much for others to read. We'll see!

I did write (in my journal - today's entry) somewhat of a reply to my first post, and I've decided to include it here as it clarifies the issue of being "100% happy with who and where we are!" Okay, here it is!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

I “fell from grace” last night! Don’t worry, I haven’t “sold my soul!” I have been less than my best, however. In a word, I feared!

It started innocently enough….I saw someone whose name I could not remember, and I was embarrassed, so I didn’t simply ask him to repeat his name. We’d never formally met, actually, but I recognized him, and needed to speak with him as it turns out. For some reason, this made me feel insecure. It made me feel insecure about who I was or am. (Interesting, in light of yesterday's blog!)

I then spoke with someone else whose name I could not recall. This time I asked the person to remind me of his name, and he did. Nonetheless, I was still feeling self-conscious from my previous self-doubts, and wasn’t able to look the person in the eye. (Wow!)

Interestingly, I believe all of this started with my being nervous (fearful, actually) about having to sing in front of the group. We were at the church for a rehearsal of the program we would be putting on at the Christmas party on Friday. So, by fearing looking foolish, I attracted a number of circumstances in which I felt foolish. (Now there's a shocker!)

To top it all off, I somehow felt foolish or embarrassed in dealing with – not dealing with, actually – the youth in the church. I didn’t really know any of their names, and had only introduced myself to a few of them, though I had spoken with several of them previously. So the same less-than-adequate feelings about myself persisted.

Then they needed someone to lead the youth in singing, and I (uncomfortably!) stayed in the background and let my wife, Jan, do it. The song, Away in a Manger, isn’t a favorite, so it was probably best that I didn’t conduct it. Nonetheless, I felt weak and foolish for standing in the background, and not stepping up. (In truth, I probably wouldn't have felt the need to step up and do this, except that because I was already feeling uncomfortable about myself I probably felt the need to prove myself - to prove that I wasn't afraid!)

In a nutshell, I had allowed myself to be fearful, by picturing in my mind not performing my best. I don’t recall actually picturing that, but I know I was uncomfortable with the whole idea (even though I love to sing, and wanted to do both the duet and trio that I was going to do). In order to feel the fear, however, I had to be picturing – or, at least, thinking – unhappy or limiting thoughts, thus blocking the incoming flow of light, and feeling the negative vibes (literally!).

Clearly, one negative thought led to another! I simply wasn’t relaxed and prepared for the whole circumstance or series of events. I was less than my best, because I hadn’t prepared by visualizing a positive result. I hadn’t rehearsed mentally!

Wow! What a positive thing to understand! Because I hadn’t taken the time to visualize a positive result – because I wasn’t focused on a good outcome – my mind automatically defaulted to a negative one. Okay, that is easy enough to fix! I just have to rehearse mentally before performing anything “unto the Lord,” as the scriptures put it. Extrapolating, that means that we should put ourselves in a positive frame of mind before “performing” or doing anything!

In fact, it means that we must be focused on positive outcomes every day of our lives, and throughout every day! It is pretty simple: If we do not focus on what we want – on good things – we will, by default, focus on, or picture, what we don’t want! In a word, we must play to win! That is the right frame of mind. That is what we can always do to guarantee our best outcome or results! Life is a blessing – and I am grateful! What a thrill it is to be alive!